Spice It Up, SG1
by Oz Lovi
Summary: The Spice Girls music, Jerry Springer, and SG1. Hmm, the possibilities are...hopefully funny! : I threw in a little shippyness SJ, I guess you could say, but it's got the whole gang and then some.


Author's Note: I saw this challenge on Heliopolis and I have decided that my sleep deprived mind could take on this 'interesting' idea. This should prove an entertaining story. Please keep in mind that, as I mentioned, I am somewhat sleep deprived. I myself like the Spice Girls and I use to watch allot of Jerry Springer so hopefully this will come off sounding remotely plausible (ha ha, yeah right!). Feedback would be nice.

**Challenge #38**

I want to see the impossible. SG-1 and General Hammond either take  
each other on Jerry Springer OR they each dress up like a Spice Girl (I  
can just see Teal'c with cute little blonde ponytails...) An extra challenge  
is to include _BOTH_. Good Luck!

Submitted by A Fan of SG-1

Disclaimer: They aren't mine. This is just for fun. SG-1, the characters, The Spice Girls, and Jerry Springer are the property of their owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

Title: Spice It Up, SG-1

Author: OzLovi

Rating: FAM (I hope)

Category: Humor, Romance

Pairing: Team, maybe a little S/J

Warnings: None that I can think of yet.

Season: Any

Spoilers: Anything up through the end of Season Eight

Summary: Answer to a challenge. SG-1, General Hammond, The Spice Girls, and Jerry Springer equal humor.

Jerry Springer looks into the camera. "Tonight on The Jerry Springer Show, co-workers, family, friendship, alcohol, and fashion a dangerous combination." The shows theme song plays as the camera pans the audience before settling on Jerry on the stage. On our show tonight we have a group of incredible guests. They have been co-workers and friends for many years and have shared a number of harrowing experiences. Despite some very formidable odds they have managed to maintain a strong bond. Each of these individuals has unique qualities and special talents and abilities that will amaze and inspire you. First we'd like to introduce the man who brought these people together, George Hammond."

The audience applauds as General Hammond walks onto the stage shaking Jerry's hand before taking a seat. "Thank you, everyone, for the warm welcome. I'm pleased to be here."

"Now, George, is it true that you were close to retirement when you first met our other guests?"

"As a matter of fact, I was. When I learned of the new situation which has extended my career quite a bit, I thought it was just what I needed." This is said with an obvious sarcastic undertone. The audience gives a low chuckle. "Here I was getting ready to finish out a distinguished career on top and now they wanted me to take on a bunch of new people and in some ways start over. We were dealing with something none of us had any experience with. Well, almost none of us."

"This leads me to our next guest. The very man we speak of, Jack O'Neill." As the audience applauds again O'Neill walks onto the stage receiving a few whistles from some of the women. Jerry shakes his hand after he waves at the audience. "Welcome to the show, Jack."

Taking his seat he says, "Thanks, Jerry. I see you've already begun the story." He motions toward General Hammond.

"We have indeed, but we haven't gone very far yet. How is it you came to work for George?"

"As strange as it sounds, I was actually retired and they were looking for an expert. Sadly, I was the closest thing to one around. As it turned out the only other person who really had a good idea what we were dealing with was way out of town and they didn't even know it."

"I'm going to stop you there for a moment. This is a good time to introduce the man he's talking about. Daniel Jackson."

The audience again applauds as Daniel enters and goes to take his seat. As he waves at the crowd a woman whistles loudly and he looks noticeably embarrassed. "Thanks. Hi, Jerry, it's great to be here."

"We're pleased to have you here, Daniel. Now, can you tell us how you fit into this story?"

"Well, as I'm sure you've already heard, they were looking for experts and had no idea I was somewhere out of town. They also had no idea that I knew quite well what they were dealing with. Poor jack had to admit to a little bit of a lie that kept me hidden until then. When he contacted me I knew the jig was up, so to speak. He wouldn't have tried to get a hold of me if something wasn't up. Something big. When he arrived with his team I was a little surprised, but it didn't take long before the old friendly antagonism returned. We've always been able to get under each other's skin, but we're still good friends, kind of like brothers in a way. It was funny to see how he was dealing with his new team, one in particular."

"I believe that brings us to our next guest, Samantha Carter." As Sam enters the majority of the men give up on clapping and start hooting and whistling. After shaking Jerry's hand briefly she takes her seat. "It seems that make an impression when people meet you Samantha."

"I guess so, Jerry, and please call me Sam." Glancing at her friends she smiles. "I think the most memorable impression I left when meeting these men was my first encounter with Jack." She hesitates slightly when using his name which seems to be noticed by some of the audience as well as Jerry.

"You seem a bit hesitant when you mentioned your boss. I take it you don't cal him by name very often."

"Uh, no, I don't." Without any further answer she continues her story. "I see you grinning over there, George. I'm sure you remember the incident as well as we do. Everyone was sitting around the conference table ad I overheard Jack ask where the new guy was transferring from. It was just too perfect. You could already tell that he assumed because my name was Sam that I was a man. When I walked in I told him where she was transferred from. The look on his face was priceless. When I introduced myself as Samantha one of his team popped off with 'But of course you go by Sam'. After a number of barbs and witty comments back and forth between all of us we wound up getting into a little argument. I pointed out that it didn't matter that my reproductive organs were on the inside instead of the outside, I could handle anything he could; I even asked him if we had to arm wrestle."

Shaking his head O'Neill added, "That was it, from that point on it was all over. Talk about spunk. She might have seemed a bit wet behind the ears to me at the time, but how could you not admire her brass and confidence."

"Confidence? You should have seen how my hands were shaking after that meeting. I thought for sure that I would find myself reassigned after my comments. Anyway, it worked out well. After we got things going, and hooked up with Daniel, we ran into a little trouble. Thankfully we found a friend among enemies."

"Let's bring out that friend now, an unlikely ally, Teal'c." As Teal'c walks onto the stage the audience applauds and a number of the women blow kisses toward him. "Welcome, Teal'c."

With a slight bow of his head he takes his seat. "I believe you would like me to tell you my part of the story now, Jerry."

"We would."

"After I met these people they insisted they could help me and my friends if I helped them get out f their very sticky situation. I have to be honest and tell you that I had heard that so many times from others, but there was something about O'Neill and his people that made me believe they could do it. I took the chance and helped them out. True to their word, they have helped my and my friends. They have also become family to me."

"I have heard that even though you make it sound like a simple decision on your part to help out these strangers, it was actually quite difficult for you and nearly cost you not only you're freedom, but your family as well."

"Indeed. The sacrifices, however, have not been in vain."

"You're not a man of many words are you, Teal'c?"

"When it is important I am. At this time we have already told what must be told."

"I believe we have indeed. Right now folks I think we should let you in on a little secret about our friends here. They seem like average everyday folks, but as I said they have hidden abilities and talents. We have a man who can sneak into just about anywhere covertly; another man who can speak more than twenty different languages, including some that most of us have never heard of before. We have introduced you to a woman who has an incredible knowledge of astrophysics as well an exceptional aim with almost any hand held weapon you can imagine. Yet another of our guests has amazing strength and ability. Which leaves our last guest who has the ability to keep these often battle worn individuals in line, somehow. Our guests also have a hidden musical talent; traveling the world as a rock band that covers the songs of other well known groups. At the moment they're covering the songs of the Spice Girls." The audience begins to laugh. Raising his hand to quiet them Jerry adds another layer to the unusual story. This, however, isn't their most shocking secret. All these guests work for the military in a top secret facility and program, battling aliens and traveling to other worlds across the galaxy through an ancient ring called a Stargate. In fact, our friend Teal' here is an alien from one of these worlds." The audience oohs and applauds. "Now, would you like to see them do their thing?" After loud clapping and hollering they all stand and head off stage to change.

"While our guests are changing I want to let you in on something, normally when they perform they try to take on the appearance of the band they're covering. We'll have to see how they look in their new costumes." They audience laughs. "Here they come, our Spice Girls." Motioning toward the far side of the stage Jerry announces each of them as they enter to hoot and whistles. "Sam, Posh Spice. Daniel, Baby Spice. Teal'c, Scary Spice. George, Ginger Spice. Jack, Sporty Spice." Music begins to play and everybody starts to sing and dance, like the Spice Girls. After a short performance they take their seats again. "That was quite amazing I have to say."

"Thanks, Jerry. Allot of people don't think that we really can sing until they hear us. I have to tell you that the downside is these dresses." Jack says as he tugs on the edge of the hem.

"I don't know; it's kind of nice to get out of uniform sometimes and get pretty." Sam grins.

"You don't have to get pretty, you already are." Jack looks around a bit as he realizes what he just said on TV.

George looks at him. "Excuse me?"

Jerry jumps in, honing in on the new development. "Is there something going on between you that nobody mentioned to me earlier?"

As Jack and Sam both try to ignore Jerry's question George interrupts. "Excuse me, but is there something you should tell me?"

An audience member yells out, "Kiss her!"

"Have you two been seeing each other behind my back and against regulations?"

"Not exactly…we haven't been seeing each other per say."

Turning from O'Neill to Sam George points his finger at her as he stands. "Does your father know that you're involved with him?"

"It's none of his business, and why would he care? Dad likes him." Sam says defensively.

"We'll see, little missy." George and Sam are staring at each other like a parent and a child in a heated debate over boyfriends.

"Well it looks like we have to take a quick break…"

Jerry is interrupted as Daniel blurts out, "That's why you didn't want to come on the show. You were afraid we'd find out you were dating."

Another voice interrupts, "I think it's a little bit more than that, Daniel."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Jacob Carter." Jerry offers him a seat and grabs another chair.

As he sits down Jerry asks, "So, what do you mean, Jacob?"

"You see, Jerry, I've known all of these people a long time. It's been pretty obvious to me for a long time that my little girl had some strong feelings for her commanding officer and that he also had some strong feelings for her too. These two have walked a fine line for years where their emotions are concerned. Recently, however, something seems to have changed. The tension I always noticed in the glances they tried to hide from each other has been replaced by sly grins and shared glances that they try to hide from everybody else instead."

The audience lets out a low oooh as Jack and Sam glance at each other. "You know, Jacob is right. Something has changed." Holding out his hand, he says, "Come here, Sam."

Slowly she steps over to him and takes his hand. To her squeal of surprise and delight he grabs her and kisses her deeply. The audience hoots and whistles. As Jerry looks at his other guests he sees open jaws and grins. Pulling her to sit on his knee Jack smiles then quickly pulls at the hem of his dress as Sam whispers in his ear. "Sorry, this dress thing is kind of new." Nodding toward Jacob he says, "You seem none to surprise."

"Why would I be? I saw the looks you've been giving each other. Only love that's been acknowledged gets that kind of looks."

"Maybe we should let everybody in on the other secret."

"Show them the ring."

Sam holds out her hand revealing a big diamond. "Now that is a diamond, Sam!"

"Thanks, Daniel."

Jacob shakes his head and grins. "Well, at least you make each other happy." He says as Sam giggles while Jack tickles her ribs.

The audience hoots and whistles again as they kiss.

"Jack. Jack?" A soft rustling sound is close by. "Jack, get up!"

That was a familiar and slightly amused voice. With a jump O'Neill sat up and looked around the inside of the tent. "Nuts."

Daniel eyed him as he held out a cup of coffee. "What's nuts?"

"It was a dream." He knew he sounded annoyed. "Wait a minute why were you pestering me in the middle of a good dream?"

"It's your turn on watch, besides the little rendition of the Spice Girls was a bit off key." Daniel grinned broadly as he saw his friend's face.

"What!" Looking around to make sure he hadn't woken the others he asked more quietly, "What are you talking about?"

"You were singing in your sleep."

"Oh no." O'Neill put his head in hands. Taking the coffee he went outside to take watch and to escape Daniel's ill hidden chuckle. As he sat down he suddenly heard the applause of an audience and realized he was on the Springer set again. Sam walked up to him in her Posh Spice dress and said, "Want some company, cutie?" Before he could answer she sat on his knee and leaned in to give him a kiss, as the audience hooted and whistled. Forgetting the coffee, he kissed her as well. Suddenly he felt a sudden burn on his leg. With a yelp he jolted awake, having nodded off with his coffee as he was keeping watch. Sam, Teal'c, and Daniel all came out of the tent to see what was going on.

"Is everything all right, Sir?" Sam asked with concern.

"Uh, yeah, I just spilled my coffee on my leg is all."

"You should get something cool on that so it doesn't leave a burn, Sir."

"Good idea," he said as he headed toward the stream nearby. As he walked back to the tent he heard Sam humming a Spice Girls' song. He whipped around. "Why are humming that?"

She paused, thinking, and then shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I kept hearing it in my sleep."

O'Neill grimaced as he looked at Daniel, who grinned. "Imagine that, it must be

catching."

Sam looked at him, "Did it sound off key to you too?"


End file.
